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On why sometimes relationships in sobriety still suck

On why sometimes relationships in sobriety still suck

Many of you who’ve known me either in person or through my Twitter account know that approximately a year ago I came to the conclusion I’d had enough of men. Everybody I met was a lying, cheating, bastard who wanted one thing: sex. I was promised the moon and stars, told every lie imaginable if it came close to what I wanted to hear. I was dog tired of being a fucktoy for every bottom on the planet. I wanted to settle down, find a nice guy and rock the white picket fence the suburbs – the whole shebang.  After a string of failures where one was worse that the other I decided to hell with it. I’ve had enough of relationships and it’s time to call it a day. Enjoy the single life, enjoy my friends with benefits and focus on me, my life in the country and my kid.

That lasted all of one week. The short version is that I met a guy in the bike shop who was sober, athletic, rode a bike like I did and get this: he’s single. We quickly went from friends into a great relationship and I thought I’d be given one more bite at the relationship apple.  Part of the concession I had to make was with Andy’s job he had to travel an extraordinary amount and usually these trips were unannounced.  Tough to make plans, tough to keep a relationship going, but hey – I knew this going in so there weren’t many surprises.

Andy’s last surprise trip started on 12/22, and to date I haven’t seen him since. I didn’t hear a word (and wasn’t expecting to) and through an extraordinary course of events and phone calls I found out that his assignment ended a week ago, he’s been off on a bender and had cashed in ten years of sobriety time.  He’s apparently been been drinking for weeks, and tagging every piece of ass that even remotely looked in his direction.

I ended the relationship very shortly after finding out the extent of his deceptions. Some people might consider this heartless. “He had ten years of sobriety time, give him a chance!” That’s true, he racked up a decade of sobriety time, and thanks to his lying and cheating he’s thrown everything I know about him into question. My continued involvement with him could also become a threat to my own sobriety and that’s not going to happen – under any circumstances. No man out there is worth breaking my sobriety over. Who’s to say this is the first work assignment he’s turned into a drunken orgy? This is just the first one he got caught at.

The cherry on the cake is that he took approximately ten thousand dollars worth of things that belonged to me (two items) and sold them for using money.  So, while some may consider it heartless that I cut him loose on his first relapse in ten years, there are plenty of mitigating circumstances surrounding it that I included in my thinking.  He can’t be enabled with an emotional safety net; at least not by me. I’m sure he’s picking out his next victim as we speak.  He wants to go use? Cool.  Better him than me. When it came down to making a choice between picking up his phone and asking for help and picking up the cocktail in front of him, he chose what he filled his hand with. .  I’ve placed far higher a premium on my continued sobriety than he did, and my 27 continuous years are intact.  As to Andy? Pray for him, because there’s no assurance that he’ll even make it through this alive.

Thanks to the help of friends here and an extraordinary friend a little ways away, I’ll make it through this, probably far more intact than Andy will. What he did sucks, and I completely misjudged him and his intentions in being with me and that’s fine. Good looks, educated, athletic, stable job, anybody would have been fooled just as much as i was. However, by closing this door with him , a window has already opened and I’m discovering some wonderful beautiful things about my friend that makes my heart smile. It’s far too early to say what it is and where it’s going. Quite honestly that’s information I’ll keep between he and I.  It’s a journey for both of us, and it doesn’t need an audience of 30,000 viewers a month. Between this and my returning to school for the first time in 20 years I’m going to be a busy guy.

In getting sober, nobody promised me that the world would be handed to me all bright and shiny, without sharp corners. and easy enough to carry with one hand. Life still comes at you in sobriety with all it’s landmines and sometimes that ticking bomb is a cheating spouse  who’s broken his sobriety and you’ll never see it coming. Now I just have the tools to deal with it and not have the urge to use chemicals as my method of coping.



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