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BDSM and Sobriety: do they go hand in leathered glove?

BDSM and Sobriety: do they go hand in leathered glove?

Being sober and clean for more than two decades now, I’ve heard this one time and again: how the hell do I have sex sober? Is it even possible to enjoy the S&M part of my sex life sober?

Absolutely.

Alcohol and drugs do a couple of things: get you high (or low) and remove your inhibitions. How do you embrace that lack of boundary and pursue the less restricted side of sex? Perhaps tell your first sober partner that being restrained and flogged really turns your crank?

More to the point: if you do have a substance abuse problem, and get clean, can you still go after the less-than-vanilla pursuits and feel comfortable?

Yep, you can.  And, you’re not the only one who’s had to cross that bridge and learn how to have sex again.  Sober.

“You have to learn how to have fun without alcohol and drugs being the center of your fun,” she said. “When I wasn’t sober, I wasn’t interested in spaces like [S&M club] Paddles and [support and information group] Lesbian Sex Mafia meetings because there wasn’t booze. I had to appreciate later that those places were alcohol free.”

Theener makes an explicit link between how BDSM and sobriety work together in her life. “I describe myself as having a dopamine problem; one of the things that’s been integral with me in sobriety is figuring out healthy ways to experience adrenaline creating activities,” she said. “BDSM is a way that I can get all the chemicals in my brain revving and it keeps me busy and learning. It’s somewhat risky but because it’s surrounded on all sides by boundaries and negotiations, it’s a safe way of engaging in some risky behavior that’s helpful in my sobriety.”

Jonathan, 35, of Brooklyn, got into kink after sobering up. He found that exploring BDSM “dovetailed nicely” with a 12-step program. “The thing that surprised me and made me really happy when I started to explore this world is how healthy and sane the people are,” he said. “From the outside you’d think BDSM freaks would be damaged misfit toys—and there are those people—but there’s also a community of people who are very aware of who they are, very aware of the boundaries and of the consequences of their actions.”

Similarly, Jackson, 36, of San Francisco, sought out the kink scene specifically as a way of coping with sobriety. “Part of my motivation for exploring play parties is because after I lost my favorite means for medicating my social anxiety, it became much more difficult to navigate daily, run of the mill interactions,” he said. “I figured the one place where everyone would be both open minded and accepting of awkwardness would be a pansexual play party space. It offers a respite from shame, guilt and judgment. The party I frequent, Mission Control, is not a sober space, but I’m comfortable around alcohol at bars so it isn’t a problem.”

I have been sober for more than two decades, and I still remember what the first time was like having sex again – and what would be termed “kinky” sex without the aid of chemicals. (I prefer to think of myself as uninhibited. The word kinky still has alot of negative connotations to it.)

It was a frightening experience and I was fortunate enough to be with a man who loved me and expected a ton of performance anxiety on my part.  But, practice made perfect and now I can’t imagine needing chemicals to fulfill me sexually. It was a very slow, unsteady process for me to break the mental connection between chemicals and my uninhibited sexual pursuits.

Hit the link for the rest of the article.  It’s pretty interesting and inspiring if you’re newly sober and wondering how to get the wheels back under your sex life.  Or the collar back around your neck.  Or the whip back in your hand…..

 

You get the picture :)

(thumb credit)

 

 

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