A Change in the Equation

Over the last week, I’ve had to make a very important decision.  I’ve had alot of support and people very curious about my mental well-being and however well intentioned, there’s really nothing to worry about.  I stand behind the decision I made and I’d handle it the same way again.

I threw out my partner and told him to stay gone.

My choice wasn’t a hard one to make, really.  For the second time in our one-year-long relationship my partner has broken his sobriety, and lied about it.  And this happened after he had six verifiable years sober.  As someone who’s coming up on 23 years sober, I won’t take a front row seat to his own downward spiral.  More than that, I won’t let my family watch it either.

Things were going to be simple:  we both moved to Chicago on the pretense of great jobs, moving back into my house and getting away from a life on the road.  Get jobs where nobody is trying to kill us, get married, have a kid.  You know – be domesticated.  That dream escalated quickly and a great kid was put in our lives that we adopted in very short order who I just adore and can’t imagine not being in my life. The jobs worked, he and my partner bonded, and even all our dogs got along.

We aren’t an insulated, monogamous couple and always knew that someone would cross our paths we wanted to invite into the relationship.  That happened too, and he’s a wonderful guy who’s got my heart already.  Soon he’ll have my body and we’ll take things from there.

While Simon was supposed to be out of the country working, I received a phone call telling me that he’d been spotted in London; running with his old using mates and living it up.  OK then.  Stay there.  I told him he’s not welcome back in the house and if he ever did get sober and stayed that way, he’d have to earn our trust again before he even got keys to the front door.  On top of removing him from the joint finances, I had the locks changed before I even came back to Chicago.  Ditto for the security code to the house, garage, as well as alerted the monitoring company that he no longer lives here.

Don’t get me wrong: Simon is a wonderful human being.  He’s a very loving man with a big heart, funny, sensitive and would give you the shirt off his back if you only asked.  Never abusive, physically or mentally.  I don’t think I’ve ever even heard him raise his voice.

But when he’s using he’s also a liar.

I’ve come to far in my life to live with a practicing alcoholic/addict.  My son has just left a household like that; there’s no way I can expose him to it all over again.  The third person in my relationship has says they don’t want any part of Simon and could probably never trust him.  Ok, I totally get that because I’m the same way.  My trust in him is gone and when that happens it’s a short trip to the door.  You gotta earn your way back inside.  As things stand right now, the relationship may totally be over.  Simon may never earn my trust again (or Jason’s).  If he wants back in our heart’s he’s got to do the leg work.  This may also be the end of the road for him on a personal level.  There’s no guarantee that a drunk on a bender is absolutely going to survive it; he may wind up dead.

And knowing all of this beforehand I still threw him out.

In the course of two days I’ve already suffered through 51 drunken voicemails pleading with me to reconsider (I won’t).  I already received a few phone calls from his friends pronouncing me a heartless cunt for my actions.  While their reactions are a bit over the top, it’s obvious they don’t understand one thing:  a drunken oath + 10 cents = one thin dime.  It’s not worth anything.

His parents way of providing emotional support is through monetary contributions so Jason and I are already the recipient of a few obscenely expensive things designed to “make me feel better” and I know that’s not over yet.  I won’t even try to tell them to knock it off; this is the only cure they know and they support my actions with regard to their son.  They knew the path I was going down before Simon did.

How am I doing?  I’m fine,and I mean that sincerely.  Here’s the difference between you and I.  Before anything else, Simon is a drunk and a junkie.  He is also somebody I am in love with.  If I start making decisions based on my heart instead of my head, he’ll never find his own path to sobriety and stay there.  Making emotional choices when it comes to people’s sobriety racks up a body count.  I’ve done this too long and seen it happen too many times.

Because I’m a human being the first couple of days after my decision I had a mini nervous breakdown but now the recovering addict/alcoholic in me is back in the driver’s seat.  Life moves forward.  I have to take care of my own sobriety, my son, and leave myself emotionally available for whatever comes next with me and person #3.  To act any differently would be a betrayal to us all – most importantly myself.  Nope, I’m too old and been through too much to go there.

Simon has to handle this all on his own, without having us in the blast radius.  If he reaches out for help, I’ll point him in the right direction, but I won’t give him a lift to get there.  If he hits his bottom, he’s got to pull himself back out of the hole all on his own.  Whether or not his family is there waiting for him is entirely his choice.

Some may think it in poor taste to post this but I don’t agree at all.  I’ve posted my life on this website and the majority of it has been good.  In the interest of balance and reality I need to post the not-so-good as well.  This particular chapter in my life just might be the “instruction” someone else needs to deal with their own person in their relationship who’s got a problem.  My posting this isn’t in poor taste at all.

It’s just another lesson in how I survive and stay sane.

A Change in the Equation, 10.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating

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