Waking Up to Life (by Mel)

One life to save another

Not many people know who I am on worldwide web. I keep my personal details hidden and am unlikely to be found in the most popular of social networking sites under my ‘real’ name or identifiable details. I’ve spent my life keeping all that is important to me close and hidden. If you know me in the real world, you know a bubbly blonde who is charming, occasionally funny and always a little quirky. You will also know that any thoughts and feelings that actually take place in my head are only shared under the threat of torture. I have spent my life hiding my feelings. I’ve planned in my head what I want and protected my heart closely.

When I started my career it was ironic that this theme was to continue. Without too many details life has put me in a situation where I have dealt with dangerous individuals or cases that are highly emotive. Over time this has made me cautious in my personal life. I never wanted to be tracked down and I always wanted to feel safe. I am lucky to have a large network of friends who respect this about me. My biggest problem has always been that I could never share anything 100%. Hell, you were lucky if you got 50%. If you asked me how I felt about you, there was a good chance you wouldn’t get a straight answer. If you tried to hug me when I looked upset, you got the cold shoulder. I worked things out on my own and this meant that I rarely came to a conclusion.

A short time ago something changed who I was. I had a call from my father very late at night. My uncle had committed suicide. Suicide! My reaction to this news was to alert me to my own damaging behaviors.  I started to have an argument with my father as he did not have enough facts. I then stopped and something told me that I needed to work through this. As events unfolded over the next few days I discovered that my dear uncle was actually suffering from depression – something only his wife knew. He was also suffering enormous guilt from family arguments and things left ‘unsaid’. All of this was only discovered after his death. Even his suicide seemed planned to perfection. What you must understand is that the reason I loved my uncle so much is that we were so alike. He kept his feelings close to him. He would go off hiking to work out his thoughts. He rarely talked through his past or present. With his friends he was entertaining and someone who never seemed too serious. He was amazing fun to be around but held his feelings inside to a damaging extreme. He dwelled on everything in life he didn’t agree with, tearing it apart in his mind.

I was that person and I did all those things!!

It just struck me one day that I could be in trouble here. I couldn’t change what happened but was I going to learn from it? That is when I knew I needed to share with those in my life who I was. I still had no urge to start announcing myself all over the web or sharing my family’s stories. What I did share was who I was, with those I loved. I was new to this and it was a hard process but by Christmas 2009, I was starting to realize I could just tell people what I was thinking and feeling. I told the most important people in my lives over the year, that I loved them. I could have done it more eloquently with some but hey, there were people who needed to know how I felt. I also decided that I was no longer holding my thoughts and feelings inside. I wasn’t trapping them anymore.

This has an interesting side effect – I blurt out my thoughts all the time.  If you are my friend, or you follow me on twitter, you know you are going to roll your eyes at least once or twice a week. The great thing is that I never have an agenda and what you get is exactly what I think or feel.

The most wonderful thing is I am a better person. I don’t feel stressed all the time. I don’t dwell on things and I really and truly love my life. I didn’t love being me before. I liked me and I thought I was a pretty good person but now – hell, I think I’m a great person! My new mantra is, it doesn’t matter if I fuck it all up. It will be ok. I will live and I will change. I’ve made lots of other decisions and taken many steps which I know will improve my life. My uncle has left me a legacy. I want to embrace life and I don’t want to have any darkness inside me. I cannot take his darkness away and give him another chance but I can live for the both of us.

Resources:

If you are suicidal, have attempted suicide,
or are a suicide survivor,
you will find help, hope, comfort, understanding,
support, love, and extensive resources here:

http://www.suicide.org/

This site is devoted to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one by suicide:

http://www.forsuicidesurvivors.com/

(PS:  If you have any messages for Mel, please leave them in the comments.  If you’d prefer not to, you can route them through me here.)

Waking Up to Life (by Mel), 10.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating

Related posts:

1. Openly Gay WWE Wrestler Takes His Own Life Former WCW and WWE tag team champion Chris Kanyon has...
2. Your Sex Life – By the Numbers I posed a question last week to my readers “How’s...
3. Teen takes his life by jumping in front of a truck Students at Midd-West High School in Middleburg, Pa., are mourning...
4. Coming Out Late in Life: Gay Seniors As a gay man who’s been out since he was...
5. Getting your life turned on it’s head Up until the last year, I spent 10 months out...