The Silent Relationship Killer – Part Two (by Drew/Easy Gay Life)
As with the previous installment, I have included the discourse Drew and I are having so far. I think the comments shared are going to help jump start a more broad participation here, as well as get everybody caught up to speed that is just joining. I encourage you to leave comments on my site or on easygaylife.
Here is part two of my friend Drew’s Series. You can follow him on Twitter @Psych_Imp
I began teaching at a Catholic school in 1993 through 1996. During this time I would meet guys online for ‘drew sex’ and when I wasn’t meeting guys I was staying up late at night cybersexing and downloading porn.
It was just like in college; I was staying up very late doing my internet activities then going to work on a few short hours of sleep. It’s safe to say this became a true addiction to me. I managed to grade my papers, do lesson plans, etc. But I knew that I wasn’t the best teacher I could be because of my addiction.
It was during this time, 1994 in fact, that I got married to a girl. I stayed married to hear until 1996. It was my divorce from her that forced me to leave the Catholic schools. Catholic school teachers, who are practicing Catholics, are not allowed to divorce. They must get an annulment through ‘Holy Mother Church’.
I shamefully was meeting guys while I was married. I am not proud of that but I did. The first few months of my ‘marriage’ I didn’t meet guys but I would still slip downstairs to the computer after she’d to do sleep and get online and do my porn/chat/cybersex thing. Finally, I succumbed to the temptation and began meeting guys. She never found out but my conscience kicked in and I asked her for a divorce.
It’s worth nothing that I experienced PI during my entire marriage with her. I only had actual sex with her, I estimate three times. Maybe less. Every time I had actual sex with her it was in the morning when I had my morning wood. I just thought it was because I was gay because when I would meet the guys for ‘drew sex’ I had no PI problems whatsoever. I know I’m painting a poor picture of myself, but I’m trying to be transparent here (right, Mr. Obama?).
After my divorce in 1996 it was open season for meeting guys online for ‘drew sex’ I would meet guys three to four times a week. On days I wasn’t meeting guys I was doing the porn/chat/cybersex thing.
This addiction lasted until 2003! During this time I tried to have anal sex only once, and that was as a bottom. This guy knew I wouldn’t do anal sex but got me drunk and convinced me to bottom for him. Well, he got the head of his penis in and I immediately stopped him because it hurt so badly and I just felt so disgusted. I remember thinking back to when I was molested. It was this time that I actually began to think that I had a problem with which I need to address. I would bottom again in 2007 with Scott.
It wouldn’t be until I was 37 years old in 2005 that I would finally decide that it was ok to be gay and that I was going to openly date guys. There would not be anymore secret online meeting of guys for ‘drew sex’ in the late night hours. I was going to lead a healthy, normal life and have a relationship with a guy.
I would now go to gay bars and chat online but with the intention of meeting a guy to date. The first guy I decided to date was Mark. Mark was 34 years old. He was a chef at a downtown restaurant. On our second date was messed around a bit, did some ‘drew sex’ stuff. Mark seemed ok with it and obviously I was, too. I really thought I loved Mark. He was all I could think about. But one night, Mark wanted to have anal sex. I lied to him and told him that I had done that a lot and loved it. So we lubed up (with condom) and I tried to penetrate him.
I was rock hard while penetrating him. He moaned in pain but I managed to get it in. I remember thinking that I hoped I was good enough. I remember thinking that I hoped he would enjoy it. I also remember noticing that his penis was flaccid. This worried me because in all the porn I masturbated to the guys bottoming always had erections and Mark did not. I was sure I wasn’t pleasing him.
My dick began to go limp and I had to pull out. He said it was ok but in my heart I knew it wasn’t. I had experienced PI for the first time with a guy during gay sex. This really scared the shit out of me. We tried a couple of more times before he left for West Virginia to take a month long cooking job at a resort. He emailed me one night from this resort and told me he met someone. He said he was in love. My heart was broken. My self esteem hit an all time low because I knew that I was dumped because I couldn’t have anal sex.
I was a gay man that couldn’t have gay sex.
Our Comments So Far:
These are great articles. I hope you and Eric consider letting me run them on my site. To me, they should get to the widest audience possible. I know from experience you’re not the first person to ever have this problem, and it’s something that can be overcome.
There’s so much that jumped out at me from this piece but in particular where I hit the brakes was “I remember thinking that I hoped I was good enough”
That’s such a HIGH expectation to put out there on yourself, especially at a pretty critical time. If this is still rolling around in your head now, it might be part of the problem.
I have permission to talk about my boyfriend’s sex life, so I’m going to go for it. Simon is 33, soon to be 34, and until I got my hands on him 10 months ago he was not only a virgin to ALL types of sex. He’d never been with a man or woman. And then he met me (He’s on twitter at @sewancrowolf)
He was harboring all sorts of thoughts, I don’t know what I’m doing, am I doing it too fast, too slow, am I good enough, was it good enough, etc., etc., etc?
Holy Crap – who the hell could focus on the task at hand with all of that rolling around in their head? As expected, at the critical moment the air got let out of his tires. A LOT of conversations followed this as it happened a few times until we finally figured it out that he had so much running around his head – even if it was fleeting – that he couldn’t give in totally to the experience.
The unscientific explanation is this: the brain knows what a rush sex and an orgasm is, and it also wants the shortest path to get there. If there’s too many hurdles to jump over, it just doesn’t make the effort.
Simon was very curious about anal sex, but at his luck would have it he’s got a boyfriend who’s hung like a horse. That’s not bragging; it’s reality. (I’m 6’5 – you can imagine the rest, nature was very generous). Most guys can’t take me, and definitely not virgins.
We conquered this by having Simon top me so he’d have some sort of reference point for trying. Lord, that boy was enthusiastic but he needed some guidance LOL and after alot of practice he can trip my trigger like no other. 46 years old and he’s giving me hands-free orgasms.
How is he as a bottom? After 8 months and alot of practice he’s able to not only take it but he can enjoy it and instinctively knows what to do to drive me nuts.
My point in that big ol’ share is this: neither of us are worried about whether or not we’re good enough for the other one. I love him with all my heart and it’s mutual – it’s automatically going to be good enough. We don’t get lost in the phonetics of trying to measure it. Sex is something we share to please the other one – the gratification is in the act, not the end result
Jeez, can I yammer on or what?
Wow. You have hit every ‘talking point’ that has been the bane of my existence.
This really hit home for me: “Holy Crap – who the hell could focus on the task at hand with all of that rolling around in their head?” That is exactly what has plagued me for so damn long!
I also really liked this: “The unscientific explanation is this: the brain knows what a rush sex and an orgasm is, and it also wants the shortest path to get there. If there’s too many hurdles to jump over, it just doesn’t make the effort.”
I say this hit home for me and Scott and I have identified that this is the problem but I have tried for almost 30 years to ‘clear my head’ during sex…but that seem to have the opposite effect. If I tell myself not to think of chocolate cake, guess what? I’m going to think of chocolate cake. I almost think I’ve conditioned myself to think like this.
Please keep sharing though. You have given me soooooooooo much to ponder!!!
I apologize in advance because I have a feeling this will be one of my trademark endless comments
Clearing your head is conditioning and reflex – it’ s like putting your pants on. You don’t think about all the steps involved, it’s just second nature: Left leg in the left pant leg, right in the right etc. You just do.
Sex isn’t about whether or not you’re good in bed, if you know what you are doing with your cock, the biggest orgasm – none of that nonsense. So, what IS it about? It’s about sharing a physical connection and intimacy with the person that you want to be with.
Sex is also about trust, ultimately. I can make a rock solid case for it being about nothing more than getting off with a warm body, but I’m not talking about cum-and-go sex. I’m talking about making love.
When I’m sharing my body with someone it takes alot to let that guard down – especially after the sexual letdowns I’ve had in my life. If I let my partner know it’s OK to top me, well that’s ALOT of trust too. I trust that my body is not going to be abused or hurt and his actions (as well as mine) are goal-oriented in our both feeling good.
We focus on the intimacy, not the details.
Sharing that pleasure with somebody you love is the best high you can find for free. Nothing else matters. Not where we are, what positions are bodies are in, who’s doing what with their tongue. All irrelevant. The orgasms are the cherry on a wonderful cake.
Try this, and it’ll make my point:
When (or if) you masturbate, take care of business, but don’t think about ANYTHING other than trying to achieve orgasm. Not the stimulus, not how great it feels, none of it. Just think about the finish line and the happy ending.
You won’t get there. Won’t happen for you – won’t happen for anybody that would try that. It’s too high of a hurdle for your brain to jump and you’re not going to get to the dopamine fix that your brain is after. Consequently it says “the hell with this”, and leaves you hanging – quite literally.
Does that make my point?
Now, for something that just might have a positive outcome
For me, there’s nothing more intensely erotic than to come home and find that Simon has started playtime without me. He’s never quite sure when I’ll be watching or what time I come home, but he’s already in the starting blocks. I’m sure you can fill in the rest of the details as to what he’s doing without my having to add them; I don’t want the site to get an “adults only” filter on it.
Eventually he does know when I’ve entered the room and the show is for my viewing pleasure. I join him eventually to be sure, but he does that for me (and I for him) to drive each other nuts. He’s not focused on how good it feels to him, he’s trying to set my pants on fire (and it alway works). To come home, and find your partner has started without you – and they know you’re watching? That’s truly making love and sharing an incredibly intimate moment.
Think about it and let me know.
On an entirely different subject – have you ever looked into meditation?
Your ‘endless comments’ are very helpful so don’t truncate anything for the sake of space.
So I guess it’s the conditioning with which I’m having the greatest problem. I’m sure you’ve heard the axiom that it’s easier to learn than unlearn. I’ve taught (conditioned) myself for almost 30 years that sex is not about pleasure, that gay sex is wrong, that I can’t maintain an erection during anal sex, etc. etc. etc. Having said that, you have given me some definitive things to try. I mean if I don’t try to ‘unlearn’ then I never will, right?
I do ‘take care of business’ as I’m sure you’ll remember from my previous posts…but I have tried not to of late unless I’m with Scott. I was hoping that if I deprived myself of any orgasms unless Scott was there then I might want the orgasm so badly that I would be able to have anal sex with Scott and everything would be great. Well that hasn’t worked and you have helped me understand why that has been so unsuccessful. I was thinking too much, as usual. I was not making it about Scott and me but instead I was masking it about me and performing or staying hard.
One thing in the past that has helped me is to, um….film our activities. I have used my camera phone and Scotts and have filmed us together. I don’t know how much Scott likes it though which is why I haven’t brought it up. A few of the times we have had anal sex I was filming it and was so turned on. But I don’t want to use the camera as just another crutch, either. I do know that I get very aroused watching Scott please himself when I’m watching him through the eye of a camera. I think that might be due to my previous porn addiction. At least that’s my theory anyway so I sort of felt badly getting off to watching Scott through the camera lens.
Meditation? Talk to me more about that. I’ve thought about hypnosis. I have seen some stuff online about that.
One thing I’ve heard in your comments and article is that you have some pretty tough obstacles set up in front of you from years of conditioning. Gay sex is wrong, your self-perceived performance, depriving yourself of orgasms, feeling bad about watching Scott on cam, All of that has gotta go.
Depriving yourself of orgasms isn’t like shaking a bottle of champagne. The pressure isn’t going to grow exponentially. The result is just that you’re both going to be frustrated
I don’t think there’s a damn thing at all wrong with porn – in moderation. Simon and i watch it on occasion and we have a hell of a good time. Have you and Scott tried? I’m aware of your porn addiction and I’ll get to that in a second.
Have Scott pick out the titles, and watch them together. If you can top him with that rolling in the background then we’ve uncovered the problem. I’m sure you are very hesitant to reopen this door but consider this: Turn your back to the television, incrementally turn down the volume, and then eventually turn the damn thing off altogether There’s a world of difference between focusing on the porn and using Scott’s body as a prop, or merely having it on in the background.
This also applies to your filming Scott – BRAVO!! Simon and I used to have an intercontinental relationship so the times we were apart, the homemade movies made the separation easier for us in the long run.
But the scariest thing you say in your post is that “I don’t know how much Scott likes it though which is why I haven’t brought it up”
That scares me because you absolutely SHOULD know. The vast majority of gay men I know are afraid to talk about sex, and at the end of the day that’s going to be a problem. You need to find the courage to really, REALLY be open with Scott about sex, and he’s got to meet you half way and speak up honestly when you ask him. You need to know what turns your man on; up, down, sideways, back and forth. If we were having coffee right now and I asked you that question, could you answer it? Could Scott if he were asked about your hot buttons?
All the mental hurdles in front of you didn’t get put there overnight, and they’re not going to instantly vanish either. I’m willing to venture a guess at this point that you have SO much rolling around in your head, and you’ve probably over-processed it to the point where a clear path out of the woods is not really evident.
Hypnosis I have no familiarity with other than it being a trick at one of my work Christmas parties where I was made to cluck like a chicken in front of my employees. That’s the depth of my experience on that one. I’m a little iffy on this one for a number of reasons.
Meditation is all about clearing your mind; mental calisthenics that clears out the crap rolling around in your head. In my life it’s critical; I do it once in the morning and once at night to set the pace for my day. I also have Simon hooked on it.
There are some that are devotionally based and some that are just great techniques. I think the latter would be best for you considering your “gay sex is wrong” preconditioning.
Thoughts so far?