The Silent Relationship Killer – Part 3 (by Drew/Easy Gay Life)
The previous two articles warranted very helpful comments and I hope that this can do the same for Drew. Here is the conclusion of his series posting by Easy Gay Life.
I would date a few more guys before I would meet Scott in 2007, most notably Kevin, Jeffrey and Brian. Kevin was very interesting because he would be the first guy Iwould choose to break up with because of sex. He would cry after every sexual experience we would have because he felt being gay was a sin. Needless to say we never had anal sex. I met Jeffrey in mid 2006. We both shared the same feelings about anal sex.
In fact, Jeffrey had never had anal sex. He was 35 years old. I was 38. He had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship. I really liked him and thought this was going to be the perfect relationship. Finally, there would not be the pressure of anal sex weighing heavily on me.
I was going to have a partner that would only want ‘drew sex’ and I would not have to constantly think about performing! I was so excited. However, as luck would have it, Jeffrey’s ex wanted him back and Jeffrey said he owed it to his ex to give his ex another chance. He did and I was forced to move on. I met Brian a few weeks later and we entered into what would be a six month relationship…my longest before Scott.
During this relationship, we would try to have anal sex only a few times. Brian really liked me and was willing to overlook my inadequacy. I was able to penetrate him on one occasion and actually ejaculate. But it never felt right as the entire time I was worried about not going limp. I’m not sure why I didn’t go limp but I know we would try a few times after that and I would experience PI. I broke up with him because I was tired of the stress of having to perform. I definitely regressed after Brian. I had decided that it would be easier to either have relationships with guys like Jeffrey, or not have a relationship at all. I even went back to meeting guys online just for ‘drew sex’.
I met Dr. Yao in the summer of 2007. He was just like Jeffrey in that he had never had anal sex. He was 42 years old. I was 39. He was a great man who would not let me spend a dime of my money. Things were going great. It was while I was dating him that I met Scott. In my defense, I had told Dr. Yao that we were not exclusively dating and he was ok with that. Though later he would tell me that I broke his heart.
Anyway, I met Scott online in a chat room. We chatted for a bit and I remember being impressed at his depth of conversation. It wasn’t about sex at all. In fact, that never even came up. I would meet him for the first time on August 21, 2007. I was 39 years old and he was 28 years old. (Although I had changed my birthdate to 1970 a few years ago so Scott though I was 37). I met his cat and his roommate during our first innocuous meeting. I remember leaving him thinking that this guy was way out of my league. That would prove to not be true as we ended up dating, even after I stood him up one time.
Scott and I would have a rocky relationship, to be sure. Scott is a young attractive man that knows what he wants. He seemed very patient with me as we would only engage in ‘drew sex’ for a few months. He is the most giving man I have ever met. He truly is the perfect partner. I knew it was only a matter of time before Scott would want anal sex.
Finally when we tried to have anal sex and again I experienced PI. Scott stayed patient with me and didn’t call me out on it too much. I would bottom for Scott a few times and actually began to enjoy it. I remember Scott telling me that he always perceived that he was hurting me because I couldn’t relax. I finally learned to relax but I do feel that I’m not a true bottom. I enjoy it, but I can take it or leave it.
The first year we would have ‘drew sex’ a lot. That seemed like it was enough for Scott and it was definitely enough for me. But I knew he needed and indeed wanted more. I began to get very anxious because I knew the time would come where it would be a standoff between sex and relationship. Scott would actually draw those lines a few times.
It would cause a few mini break ups for us, actually. I even tried Levitra for a brief time during our first year together. After trying it, I got an erection and Scott and I had sex! I literally cried like a baby! It felt amazing. It was the first time I actually had an orgasm with someone during sex that I loved. It was really the first time I had sex for enjoyment. I wanted to have it everyday! I promised Scott that we would have it everyday.
I thought everything was going to be ok! Yet, my mind continued to play tricks on me because it told me that I needed medicine that I was still impotent and that the medicine wouldn’t always be there. The next time I tried Levitra with Scott the Levitra failed me and I was back to square one. Even ED drugs couldn’t help me. But Scott was great about it because he actually did love me and I loved him. So we would work through it.
I remember the first time I was able to have sex with him without drugs. It was after a major fight. We were literally about to break up! That day we got in the bed, cried and began to kiss. I got aroused. He was aroused. I didn’t even thing about erections and keeping it and pleasing him. I just thought about not wanting to lose him and how much I loved him. We had sex twice that day. It felt better than ever. The most amazing experience ever!! That would be the first time in my life that I would have ACTUAL sex twice in the same day. We would have sex for the next few days! I was in bliss.
Scott told me something very poignant during the short time periods where we had actual sex. He told me that he didn’t like to touch me because he knew that it would only serve to frustrate him because it wouldn’t lead to actual sex but while we were having actual sex he would touch me and be very affectionate with me while we were sitting on the couch or in the bedroom. I am not upset by that but it does stick with me. I certainly understand and see his point of view.
However, my mind again began playing tricks on me!! I kept telling myself that Scott wasn’t really enjoying the sex. That I really wasn’t that good. It wasn’t long after that that I would experience PI again! I would experience PI until May 20, 2009. For some reason, during my birthday, I would be able to have sex with Scott. Everything was great again! Yay. This lasted only a week. PI would return. On November 27, 2009 I would be able to have sex with Scott again! Yes. Everything was perfect! This would last a few short days and here PI would come calling yet again. This yo-yo PI would seriously fuck with my mind and Scott’s I’m sure.
It has gotten worse lately. The first two years of our relationship we would engage in ‘drew sex’ a lot. To be plain, we would have oral sex almost every day. Now it is not even every week.
Let me explain exactly how I feel while going through this PI. Firstly, I feel alone. I feel that no one truly understands. Secondly, PI literally consumes my thoughts. It has become my new obsession/addiction replacing my internet porn/chatting/cybersex.
When Scott is asleep in the morning, I just lay next to him thinking about how awesome it would be to have sex with him. There are times when I will have my morning erections and I will just rub my penis on him and it won’t go limp. But get this, there are times at night time when we are going laying to go to sleep I will have an erection. We will spoon with me behind and my penis will rub against his butt and my penis will actually go limp. I will lay there thinking or hoping my penis will stay hard and that Scott will know I’m a real man but as it rubs against his butt I will feel it go soft. There are times in the morning when I will just rub my penis against him until I cum. It feels so good because my penis stayed hard but I know that it’s the sex he needs.
Now I am to the point where I get out of bed before he gets up because I don’t want to experience the disappointment of having an erection and having it go limp because I’m afraid we might have morning sex. Yet I want to have morning sex. Literally, two weeks ago I woke up to a wet dream as I was fantasizing about having sex with Scott. I feel so badly for him and feel that I’m taking so much away from him. The guilt alone is becoming more than I can stand. The guilt of not being able to please him. The frustration of not being able to perform.
What am I going to do about it?
- Well, I promise to be intimate with him no matter what the outcome. Whatever happens – happens. I’ve been avoiding intimacy with him as I never have before.
- Keep the lines of communications open. I always project and think he is tired of hearing about it. He’s likely tired of the lack of intimacy and not even trying anymore. We have to talk about it.
- Maintain this blog. I hope to help people realize that PI is a mental illness and/or disorder just like depression, social anxiety disorder, ADHD, ADD, etc.
- I have started a thread on the Easy Gay Life forum. Anyone can discuss this topic with me anonymously. Here’s the link: My Forum Thread
- Explore some sex therapy options, if affordable. I know I can’t just stop thinking about being PI. If I could then I would already be ‘cured’. I can’t do this alone, anymore.
PI is a silent relationship killer that too many people don’t recognize as a disorder. I am confident that we can bring awareness to it and not be ashamed to talk about it. It’s ‘ok’ to talk about medical impotence because that can be readily explained but where are the voices for PI? Well, hopefully the voices will be heard here. Hopefully all of us can experience more healthful satisfying relationships for ourselves and our partners.
(The first two installments of “The Silent Relationship Killer are here and here)